Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Where do I begin...What words do I use to articulate how amazingly crazy my life is right now? And when i say my life, i mean my home life, my mommy life, my maid life....That life. The one that I wouldn't trade for any amount of money or possession in this world. The one that makes me tear up because it's so wonderful aaaaaaaand so horrible, the one that makes me laugh so hard because it brings me so much joy and because I have to laugh as there are no other options except going to prison for the things I want to do. The life that I wanted, dreamed of, prayed for...(sometimes I am like..."Really, I prayed for this?"...insert laughing crying face here) Yes, that life....Here goes nothing..and err....everything...Prepare...:)
    I woke up this morning feeling like the best mom in the world. Yup, you heard me right...I was the best mom. I stayed up late, drawing a sword for my son who is writing a book with his friends..and guess what people, he asked me...ME to illustrate his book... Oh yea, I wasn't about to let his little heart down, and first thing on the list was a sword..THE sword..and hey, I don't mean to brag, but I did a damn good job on that sword. I even taped it above his light switch so that when he woke up in the morning he definitely wouldn't miss it...So waking up to a little boy that is growing way to fast for my liking, jumping on my bed saying "Thank you sooooo much mom, I love it, It's sooooo awesome..." made me smile and think "Today's going to be alright...I've got this down..."
    Fast forward a few minutes to my oldest four getting ready for school; me nursing the baby as fast as I can so I can get the girls' hair done so their teachers will think "oh, she does care....sometimes"... aaaand...time out.... we will just be honest here, I choose to nurse this angel baby so that I can stay in my nice warm bed a few minutes longer before i have to save the world..i mean live the dream... But, that quiet moment only lives a few minutes, then I have to put my big girl panties on and get downstairs carrying both babies so that I can order instructions while doing one head of hair, so the others will make their lunches (yes I could make their lunches, if i really wanted to....don't judge me) and get shoes on before it's time to head out the door. Today is no different, despite what I thought....that awesome sword did nothing to help my son put shoes on, or even find his shoes before the honking began outside... But, after a whole lot of kisses and "bye, I love you's,"and "your shoes under the couch" and "don't forget your lunches!"... it's quiet... Just kidding yo, I've got a 2 year old and a 6 month old people. When those kids walk out the door, I am completely and utterly alone... with the angels...aint' no one going to take over my ninja servant duties for me.
      Once that door closes, my two year old and mine eyes meet...her lips part to reveal those brand new white sparkling crowns we paid for with our savings...and she smiles...I know that smile. That smile that says "oh, you think you got this? I ...WILL ...CRUSH ....YOU..." It's in that moment that I realize I don't even have big girl panties on ..I am still wearing my husbands underwear because I decided to go walking instead of do laundry yesterday. Yup, that's the raw truth folks...I wear men's underwear on occasion.
    It's funny how your standards change when you have multiple children. I mean come on, how hard is it to throw that load of clothes in the washer? Really, not that hard I would have argued 2 children ago. But now you realize your sweet baby may or may not get attacked by your toddlers ninja skills that she inherited from you while you are out of eye sight. But, I've got this right? so, I grab a basket of clothes, the baby in tow and head through the kitchen that my adorable kids cleaned last night right?!......NOPE....Everything they "picked up" Is now in the hallway and doorway of the laundry room. No way I can make it in there with both arms full. So i drop the basket in the hall and head back to clean the living room instead..Inside, trying very hard not to explode with anger at those little trolls, that promised me they cleaned the kitchen for me while I was putting babies to bed last night. "Let it go, let it go.." I sing to myself since I pretty much only speak Disney and rated R. Let it go seemed like the better choice while holding the baby.
    So, i begin my daily duties of cleaning up the living room while changing diapers and getting sippy cups and nursing and changing more diapers...By now I have a pile of diapers that need to be thrown away. So i make my way to the pantry to find that I forgot to buy garbage bags AGAIN....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....AHHHHHHHHHH. If it didn't smell like a sewer before in my kitchen, it certainly does now with those poopy diapers that are just stacked on top of the garbage can, that now reaches my top cabinets. As I begin to start putting trash in grocery bags, i hear the baby cry...running in the living room, i realize i was gone too long with out watching them. My toddler is trying to pick up her brother that is as big as she is. "I hoed him mama"....Yup, "let me help you", I say. It's funny though, now she doesn't want to..Of course it's not fun to hold the baby unless you can cause pain....
     So I carry the baby around as I finsish picking up the living room..Whew, only 3 hours later and it almost looks like we aren't discusting people. So i go to put the kid' things in their cubbies that they "forgot" to put away..sure, sure. And I look at the floor where the cubbies are and realize I am not only wearing mens underwear, not wearing a bra, not wearing make up and still in pajamas, but I am now outsmarted by the humans I created. I told them before school that whatever they left on the floor, was going to get thrown out by me. Ya, I HAD THAT... I had enough and I was sticking to it...Well, those little shits (I say that with the most love and adoration I can muster) picked up and put away everything they wanted to keep and threw all their school papers and anything they didn't WANT on the floor....Yup, that happened...Outsmarted by a first grader. How did I not see that coming....?
     So What do I do? I admit defeat. I sit on the couch, nurse my baby and watch while the ninja jumps all over me and the couch while throwing pillows off onto my one clean floor. And yes, i let her eat the old food that she scavenged out of the couch cushions. I just watch, and I laugh...Yes, I laugh, and laugh and laugh..Then I laugh louder and harder because guess what?! I prayed for this ya'll....
     The only consolation i have is that tonight as i tuck my growing babies that don't look quite like babies anymore in bed, i will whisper, " i love you, you guys are my sunshine" and they will tell me i am the best mommy in the whole world. and i will sit in the quiet and realize it will be too quiet before long and i will miss this...


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